Currently I am married to an amazing man and have started a family (baby GYM) with this aforementioned husband. Just a few years ago things were quite different and to me, the future looked very bleak. I was frantically dating, worried that if I didn’t find anyone that no one would want me after the age of 30.
Prior to the serial dating, I had bought a house with an ex who I was in a relationship with for 7+ years and thought we were going to check off the next steps (engagement, marriage, family etc.) when he said he didn’t want to be with me anymore and we broke up when I was 29. It was devastating and then I started frantically dating. I went on many dates (sometimes two dates on the same day) and ended up in two short relationships (that should have never even started) that confused me even more.
I thought: I am an ambitious, independent woman, I can achieve what I want in life if I put enough effort into it, but why can’t I control the relationship aspect of life?
I hit rock bottom (relationship wise that is) and I realized I needed to step back and figure out what I was looking for in a life partner, because I was mainly worried about whether they liked me and didn’t seem to know what I wanted.
I went to counselling, and it was a game changer. I spent over hundreds of dollars for counselling and it was worth every penny. There was happiness after my heartbreak.
Here is what I learned, and this might be helpful for you to understand before you sign up and pay for those online dating websites:
know what you want in your life partner
Similar to money values, you need to know what your core values are. We think chemistry = compatibility but I learned the hard way that it really isn’t. Chemistry may get you into a relationship but it doesn’t keep you in one.
After much thinking about my core values I wanted to look for someone who was:
- Honest
- Trustworthy (Integrity)
- Not afraid of commitment
- Financially stable
- Funny (and able to laugh at themselves) and humble
- Kind and patient
- Attractive
- Values health
When you are with someone who doesn’t match your core values, you either try to change them (changing someone or nagging someone doesn’t work, it only makes them resentful at you) or you get confused. I was in a short relationship with someone who SAID he valued money and financial stability, but he was in consumer debt (which I found out after three months of being in a relationship). His actions did not meet his words and I got more and more confused about why he said he would pay off his debt in three months but after three months was over, he was still in the same amount of debt.
You can’t change anyone, you can only change yourself.
If you are able to find someone who you don’t want to change and doesn’t need to change you that would be the ideal situation.
remember, actions > words
In most (or all?) cases, actions speak louder than words. If the person you’re dating says “oh of course I want to see you again” but they don’t do anything about it or take any initiative to follow through with what they say, you don’t want to be with someone like that.
If they ‘ghost’ you don’t or if they don’t message or contact you for a while, take it as a sign that actions speak louder than words and they are not interested. Don’t message them and try to spark something when there is no spark.
Don’t waste your time and energy on someone like that. As someone who values integrity, I do what I say and expect my significant other to do the same.
At the same time, if someone is saying that aren’t interested in a relationship (in whatever subtle way they may say it), don’t make stuff up and tell yourself lies that they are interested in you. They are not.
think of dating as discovery, don’t make stuff up
Think of dating as a way to discover whether the other individual is compatible with you. Ask questions and find out if they match your values and beliefs. Of course it takes some time to figure out if what they say = what they value and what they do. But half the the anxiety that comes with dating is wondering whether they are interested in you. Don’t worry about whether or not they are interested in you but worry more about whether you are interested in them. Anxiety and desperation are not particularly attractive features.
openly say what you’re looking for
When you openly say what you are looking for- I was quite clear and said that I was looking for someone who wanted a long term relationship leading to marriage (I think I said this within the first few dates) and it doesn’t scare the other person off, then you probably have a keeper.
If you tell them what you want or what you are looking for and they are not interested in that they will let you know by not sticking around.
It might seem too brash to do, but the alternative is not openly saying what you want and then guessing and wasting your time.
Finally, the most important thing to keep in mind, as much as dating hurts, is that you don’t have to be afraid and upset of rejection. It only serves for you to find someone that is more compatible for you.
I didn’t think it would be possible for me, and I played the victim card a few years ago, but the universe does its way of revealing things to you, however convoluted and cryptic it might seem at the time.
Best of luck in your search, you may one day be looking at when the Child Tax Benefit dates are together in the near future, life works in mysterious ways!
Readers, are there any other tips that helped you find your life partner?
GYM is a 30 something millennial interested in achieving financial freedom through disciplined saving, dividend and ETF investing, and living a minimalist lifestyle. Before you go, check out my recommendations page of financial tools I use to save and invest money. Don’t forget to subscribe for blog updates, a free dividend yield spreadsheet, and the free Young Money Bootcamp eCourse.
So true, finding the right partner is critical. While you may share a lot of the same value, as you get older, other things may get in the way. My partner and I recently decided to move in together. We both have similar core values but we are both at different stages in our lives. He is already a grandfather (a very young one) and I still have my three kids living at home (full time). All I can say is that it is VERY challenging, sometimes I really wonder if we will make it! I love him but my kids are my top priority and they could still be around for quite a few years (the youngest one anyway).
@Caroline- That’s true- other things may get in the way- you don’t know what life might bring you- especially if you are at different stages in your lives. I tell my girlfriends that if they are in love with someone and the guy isn’t interested in starting a family/having children (and that’s what they want) then it’s not going to work. It was the same for me. Sometimes living apart works well too if you are at different stages or sometimes it just takes a bit of time to adjust!
Honesty is the he best policy. In a long term relationship, honesty is the key for me. Sometimes the truth hurts, but I think that lies hurt even more.
Another key factor is being supportive of your other half’s dream and ambition. Once you get married, two dream becomes one and two lives become one. If you don’t have the support, eventually, your relationship will fall apart.
@Leo- Great point Leo, thanks for adding this! Support is so important- for your life goals. I can definitely see this now with a baby, not just dream and ambition but supporting each others values. My husband and I both value physical fitness and so we take care of the baby while the other is working out lol.
Yes, I agree, your girlfriends are wasting their time if the guy doesn’t want to start a family/have kids and they do. Life can get so complicated! And we thought all we needed was love.
@Caroline- If only it were that simple!
Aw, I’m sorry you had such a hard past but I am so glad that you were able to find someone! I’m happy that you are happy!
I wonder if what you described is what my coworker is going through. She’s serial dating at the moment and she’s rushing to find love. She’s 35 so she feels like she’s old. Everyone keeps telling her to focus on one guy and stop being so picky lol. I don’t know if she listened to anyone. If anything, she needs to stop, step back, and re-evaluate…sort of like what you did.
Thank you for sharing a personal time in your life!
@Melanie- Oh yes I totally serial dated, it sounds like what she is going through is what I went through. I even had a list of the people I dated, their names, ages etc. haha! I have an even bigger post about my broken heart past on Friday lol!
Oh man, that story stings. But there’s a reason for the things that happen in our lives. I always thought it was strange to date someone for years and years without committing; It’s so awful to invest so much of your life with someone only to have it end. 🙁 I think being clear about your expectations and goals is crucial. You can’t be lukewarm about those things if you want to get somewhere.
@Mrs. Picky Pincher- Yes totally agree, but I guess for long term relationships you have to get the timing right as well. I now know that people tend to change A LOT in their 20’s. I love your quote “You can’t be lukewarm about those things if you wan to get somewhere”
I believe communication is key. Their should an open line of communication with your SO because both parties have to be aware of their feelings and point of view especially when both have to make a mutual decision. It could range from what to buy at the grocery store to the type of home you want to live in for the long term.
Even for dating you want to know if both people are interested in each other so you talk about anything and everything because you want to know if he/she is the right person for you. It’s all about communication!!
@Kris- Totally! It’s easier said than done though especially when you’re just starting to date someone.
I can’t say I have a lot of dating experience but have been married to the person I started dating at age 18. For us, having the same values and goals are very important. If you want very different things your relationship is bound to fail.
@TPM- Wow you’re one of the lucky ones! I always used to think high school/college sweethearts was the ideal relationship because you grew up together and know each other so well. However, it often doesn’t work for a lot of couples unfortunately I think because people may change in their 20’s and figure out who they are and what they want out of life.
Thanks so much for sharing. At 30 I definitely feel like I’ve missed the boat. How old did u get married and how long did I date with current husband after u entered your 30s?
Dating is definitely agame changer in this decade compared to the 20s.
I have a similar article focused on personality matches coming up soon.
@financial orchid- No you haven’t! That’s how I felt too, but I met my husband when I was 31 and then he proposed after 1.5 years or so. The good thing about your 30s is that you know quickly what you want. Cool thanks I’ll check it out!
when i met mrs. smidlap i had one requirement. the next one had to have a job. we joke around about that all the time but when you’re married to someone who refuses to work you will no longer accept that low standard. i urge everyone reading this to sign up for the premium tinder membership as we own a lot of shares of the parent company, MTCH. that stock has done very well so far.
@freddy smidlap- LOL. That’s great you didn’t have too many requests for Mrs. Smidlap. I had no idea there was a premium tinder membership. That’s the one ‘dating app’ that I never used- but I did pay for Match.com. I’m glad that MTCH has done very well for you!